Whatever it takes
For the most part I usually have a decent attitude about my chronic illness…not always but ‘usually’. This week my response was different. For those of you who suffer from auto immune disease you know the every day waking to a new, different or difficult symptoms. You know that you can never count on your body to cooperate. You know that the everyday is hard enough but when you have an infection or virus it literally spins your body out of control more than usual. This was me all week. I caught a flu and had a kidney infection at the same time. Even one of those ailments is enough to make you feel like the crypt keeper but both on top of the usual symptoms and you have a cocktail for disaster. My normal is to push through it all and this time I just couldn’t move. I was angry. Really angry.
“I have things to do!”
“I don’t have time for this nonsense anymore”
I even heard myself say out loud to Kevin “Ive had it, I just don’t believe in healing anymore”.
It shocked me to hear myself say those things because as I type through tears in reading those words part of me meant it.
I have literally tried so very hard to scoop myself up over and over. I have listened to and tried the advice of many great people trying to help me; try this, juice that, eat this, eat that, don’t eat this, this supplement is the key, you’re missing this, you’re missing that, you need more protein or calcium or kale or whatever ‘superfood’ is popular, you need more of this and less of that, don’t do to many activities, do everything you love, go here, massage this, acupuncture that, hot stone that, yoga this, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no fun!!! Qui Zong this and deep breath this…. Literally I have gone to and from every direction of mostly Eastern and a little Western medicine to ‘fix’ me and nothing has worked. Awhile ago I actually came to a place of acceptance of ‘this is my thorn’ and gave up searching…however getting knocked down really hard puts me in a place of human frantic mode and I try once again to remedy myself some more.
I told my husband “I have other things I should or could be doing right now besides just laying here like a zombie” his response “No, your body wants you to rest so listen”.
I did. I went outside in the bright sun and fresh air (which I hadn’t seen all week) and I just sat. I took in the air. I allowed the sun to warm me…and I listened…and what I heard in the depths of my heart is that the Lord has always been faithful to me. Always. I have more than I could ever deserve and all I could ever need…not want. I want good health. I do. I want to feel like a marathon runner everyday of my life since running a household of 6 people merits the energy of a marathoner. But I don’t. I lack. I lack a lot. And yet somehow when I pray for God to make up for my weakness stuff gets accomplished. I have bad days and when I do He has strategically puts the right people in my life to calm the waves. I have the most amazing husband on the planet who took the vow “In sickness and in health” seriously…cause quite frankly there has been more sickness than health and yet love proves it self more in our suffering than in our successes. The Lord reminded me that He brings family and good friends to bring me brownies or a meal, to help with my kids, to just be there.
God also once again reminded me that our world is fallen and that while there is suffering there is also peace…. Yes peace…and that it’s waiting for me to clutch not just on the hard days but everyday.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
He left us peace to steady us in the darkness. So while at times my body is weak and frail at times, He gives peace in the middle of it.
I needed that reminder today…but probably everyday. Maybe you are a little like me…maybe you need the reminder that the Lord will give you strength in your weakness and calm when the storms rage around you. Maybe you need the peace to get through the unanswered questions. Maybe you need the reminder like I did that even though things are not perfect or do not seem to be changing on the outside that it somehow is changing you on the inside…if you let it. I want to let it change me inwardly over and over if that is what it takes…
And it has.
I has changed me.
It has made me more compassionate.
It has forced me to surrender over and over.
It has made me less self reliant.
I has made me trust…and trust some more.
It has given me perspective.
It has caused me to just Be still.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; Psalm 46:10
To be still and know.
To be still and know that He is God and I am not.
To be still and know that when I fall apart He will hold all things together.
To be still and know that His ways are higher than mine.
To be still and know that He is faithful…always has been and always will be.
So yeah…I needed to Be still. I needed to listen. I needed to be reminded that in all of this despite my frustration that if I ask and if I seek He will grant me peace, He will give me more of Him and He will hold all things together.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
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