I’m doing something scary and I’m okay with it..

I’m scared. This is not an unusual thing for me since I have experienced anxiety throughout most of my life. I am use to feeling uneasy and unsettled but I have come a long way. God has healed many areas of my anxiety dealing with me personally on the front of trust because trusting is really the opposite of fear.

For years I was scared of many things.

I was scared of rejection.

Scared of abandonment.

Scared of not being understood. Scared of people.

Scared of being ‘found out’ that I’m not enough after all.

Scared of car wrecks.

Scared of something happening to my husband.

Scared of something happening to my babies.

Scared of my past.

Scared of the what if’s of the future.

Scared of …well…knowing and understanding myself…and scared to be my real authentic self as God created me.

I spent a good majority of my life…scared..for the wrong reasons,  just living in fight or flight mode…and most of the time just flat out paralyzed from my many irrational fears.

In the past 5 or so years the Lord has dealt with me about this fear. It has been a gradual stripping away and peeling off of my realized fears both rational and irrational. Sometimes this dealing came in the form of some of the fears becoming realities. I like most have had things in my life take my breath away, I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve experienced rejection, I have dealt with a chronic illness that has left me needing to trust the Lord despite it, I have watched my friends deal with terrible traumatic life changing situations from detiroating marriages, loss of children, difficult diagnoses and so forth. All of these things couldn’t be predicted..and many couldn’t be prevented….but the inevitable…Fear didn’t fix it and it didn’t keep it from happening…

Fear is meant to be a healthy thing that keeps us from jumping in front of a moving car or leaping into a fire pit, I wish this kind of fear would kick in for my two year old!

More importantly healthy fear is one that fears what might not happen if we don’t obey God’s heart…that is the kind of fear I want, covet and desire..

Deuteronomy 5:29 “Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!”

This is the kind of fear that I so desire….

The kind of fear that is so trusting of a loving God that to fear anything else is to be divided from my love, trust and faith in Him and his goodness.

The kind of fear that doesn’t fear peoples disapproval of me but fears Gods disapproval.

The kind of fear that is motivated to change for the sake of obedience.

The kind of fear that steps out because staying put is more dangerous.

The kind of fear that compels me to reach into the depths of my being and be turned inside out so that nothing would hinder me from being brave in the name of the one who calls me His own.

These are the things I want to have fear of…

As God has torn down the curtains from eyes of the great difference in the type of fear that I use to regularly have and the kind of fear that I need to have, I have come to embrace a new kind of scared.

I’m scared not to obey.

I’m scared not to be brave for the sake of His great name.

I’m scared and it feels good for once.

I’m in the process of recording my first album, I’ve been writing and singing for years but the fear of sharing, the fear of rejection, the fear of comparison, the fear of not being ‘good enough’, the fear that others would think this, that and the other kept me from embracing that God was writing through me.

It took me time to embrace that God was actually healing me through this…and could heal others too.

It took me time to embrace that these weren’t my songs to keep they were given to me… It took me time to let go of my what if’s and go

…”but what if I don’t.”

What if I don’t share that song that God wrote on my heart. Others have shared before and others will continue to share what God is through them but its the not sharing that limits our capacity to see God in different ways yet uniting us all as people who desperately want to see Him.

I want to see Him.

I want to see who God is

I want to know Him and be brave enough to share who He shows me He is.

So I’m scared…I’m in a good scary place because for once..

I am dipping my toes in the waters of uncertainty knowing that waves part with certainty when it concerns His will, His promises, after all…it’s His ocean and I’m diving in afraid and yet unafraid at the same time…