Motherhood…what it’s about
Its been one of those days. One of those days where you finally prop your tired mama feet up at 10:00pm and realize you’ve been running on fumes since 5:30am and your tank is completely empty. Today this is me. I mean for most moms this is everyday…and if I’m honest I feel worn out at the end of everyday too but today was a day where I am actually willing to admit it. Willing to admit…that yeah, I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m frazzled. The candle didn’t just burn from both ends today, it melted…completely.
This morning started off great…Saturday, cartoons and a big breakfast …we had plans, I was going to take the kids somewhere fun with a friend and I was looking forward to having a day where we weren’t rushing off to school or rushing to do homework or rushing to do chores…I just wanted to be with my kids and enjoy them. Just being with them and enjoying them is one of those things that I thought was a given in parenting but the longer I have been a parent the more I realize that in the throws of everyday life, keeping the engine running and keeping everyone fed, clothed, bathed…keeping everyone from killing themselves or one another ..is more what I’m doing than sitting around the table doing crafts, doing hopscotch or riding bikes for hours…I mean don’t get me wrong, we get to do those things…but the other stuff gets in the way more than I would like it too.
So back to my day…we had plans…but then my two year old decided to pick up a neighborhood cat that had roamed in our yard and …well two year olds don’t exactly ‘pick up’ cats they pull them and yank them..and before I or anyone else could get to her to say Stop! It was to late and the cat fought back…at my little ones eye. Enormous scrape across my two year olds cornea…and to make things more stressful we don’t know where the cat came from…or if the cat has any diseases that could infect her. So, off to the doctor we go. I didn’t realize what a big deal it was until we got there and they took incredible measures to ensure the safety of her eye, eliminate infection and quarantine this cat to further investigate whether or not we need to take action with an immunization to make certain of the safety of my daughter. If that wasn’t enough there was more..my 6 year old daughter had been complaining of a sore throat and a headache which I chalked up to just being a cold or allergies and they decided to run a test which showed she has strep…and so do the other 3 kids. Now most moms would say…’oh big deal, its just strep, just take antibiotics and they will be fine’…but we have had endless flu’s, ER visits, pneumonia, etc. for the past year not to mention the health struggles I have been having so I just honestly wasn’t in the mood to deal with one more illness on top of Milena’s eye situation.
After getting everyone diagnosed and now being placed on antibiotics which I absolutely hate doing, we go home, I organize our ridiculously long list of what each child is taking, what time, how much…blah blah blah…and then its dinner that I worked hard on but no one really wanted because they feel like crap. Then it’s bathes and cleaning up copious amounts of couscous off the floor which if you know anything about couscous , it is small and its sticky…so I have lots and lots of ‘little’ and lots of ‘sticky’ all over my kitchen floor – which by the way also likely has encrusted cheerios that I wasn’t able to fully scrape up from yesterdays breakfast. I have a sink full of dishes, a baby that I am suppose to convince needs drops of liquid in her painful eye every two hours, a load of laundry, a crying 6 year old who wants me to color, my other 6 year old who wants to be held because she feels awful, a crying 5 year old who wants me to play ball …and I just want to crawl up into a corner and read People magazine…yeah.. I know – not spiritual…but I just want to take my brain out for a few minutes and that …well that will definitely do that. Somehow reading about anything going on in the dramatic lives of the Kardashians makes me feel a tad bit better about …uhhh anything. And I digress…so I’m in this place of feeling completely worn out…frustrated…annoyed…worried about my two year olds eye…and a lot of what ifs…and I just stop..I stop and I go
“this is it”
This is what motherhood is.
This is what its about.
Its not just the good stuff, the cute stuff, the perfectly decorated children in the latest Gymboree clothing. It’s not Pottery Barn Kids (although they do have great stuff 🙂 . It’s not just that one weekend at Disney. It’s not just sitting and coloring for hours on end…no its all of it…its all of the cute and fun and.. the ugly…
It’s waking up at 12am because your child peed the bed.. again – so you’ll wash the sheets..again
It’s waking up at 3 am because someone wants a bottle.
It’s waking up at 5 am because someone had a nightmare.
It’s crawling for your coffee cup at 5:30am..after you’ve woken up all of the above said times to make breakfast, make lunches, tie shoes, comb hair and kiss foreheads.
It’s reading Goodnight Moon…a lot
It’s being a Superhero healer kissing boo-boos…lots of them
It’s crawling on your hands and knees at 2:30am looking for magical pacifiers
It’s breaking up fights…all day long
It’s warm baths that smell like Johnson and Johnson
It’s worn out teddy bears and tattered blankies
It’s being broken hearted because some mean spirited 1st grader told your child that they didn’t want to be their friend anymore
It’s praying by their bedside
It’s watching them sleep
It’s hiding in the bathroom..for some silence
It’s feeling judged by other moms who appear to do it better
Worse yet..it’s being judged by yourself …over and over
It’s never quite knowing if you are doing any of it right …but hoping and praying
It’s worrying about their future and worrying about today…and worrying some more
It’s about wanting the best for them
It’s about wanting better for them
It’s about spankings and timeouts
It’s about holding them tight…when they let you
It’s about the unexpected
It”s about sacrifice
It’s about love that goes beyond tired and worn out
It’s about a love that feels beyond blessed to be entrusted with tiny hands and tiny hearts
It’s about being okay when you don’t get it perfect because you know someone who does…and you can point them there instead of pointing a tired finger at yourself for not getting it perfect…which you never will…because your not suppose to be perfect..you’re just suppose to be there.
Motherhood is about the hard days as much as it is about the good days….it’s all part of it…smudges on the wall and cuddles for no reason at all. Every part.
So today my perspective changed..a little more because its every part of it ..that makes me mom…and that makes them mine. So yeah, I can admit it was a little bit of a hard day…but I still got told I love you, I still got the best hugs, I still got to pray with my amazing gifts from a big God who loves me through my good, bad and ugly…All of it…Every part. He takes all of me and all of it…because of love..because of sacrifice…and I’m grateful…grateful that I get to see a glimpse of His type of love and sacrifice by being allowed to love and sacrifice for these creatures that He has entrusted me with…boo boo’s, bad days..and all…