One step at a time
Okay if you are an over thinker you know what I mean…your mind doesn’t stop.
My brain is on overload…overdrive …over everything all the time.
Over thinking can be good in the sense that it makes you carefully choose your words…but it can also be bad in that it leaves little room for flexibility.
Over thinking can be good because usually you are sensitive..and it can be bad because you can be to sensitive.
Over thinking can be good because you realize the value of time and want so desperately to make every moment count.
Over thinking can be bad because you spend your life mourning and reflecting the speed of life when you should just be enjoying the moment.
Catch my drift? It’s good and bad.
I think part of this is good in that I weigh my words…it’s part of the reason I’m a writer. I ponder. I analyze. I reflect. I lament. I savor…every word…every thought…every feeling…every drop. I “think…think…think” (think – Winnie the Pooh). Unfortuantely with these few good things also comes the really negative part of over thinking …your mind won’t stop. I replay things over and over in my head like a broken record.
Did I say that?
Did they understand what I meant?
Did she really mean that?
Did that sound bad?
Did I do that right?
Did I do that wrong?
Was it enough?
Was it to much?
Am I to much?
Am I not enough…
Been here? Exhausting.
I have a tendancy to replay things in my head dissecting and editing in my brain the words…the intentions…the expectations…the shortcomings…the mishaps…the failures…the should’ves…the couldves…the what ifs…the everything…
Sometimes I just wish I could turn it off.
This week what would seem to be insignificant to someone else was one of those events where my brain just wouldn’t shut off. Someone made an innocent off handed comment, nothing mean spirited but because of some insecurities it hurt me…and overplayed in my overactive mind. This person didn’t mean to say anything hurtful, but for a million reasons that they will never know it hurt my feelings…a lot…and it replayed over and over in my head until my brain hurt. I couldn’t turn it off. It annoyed me that I couldn’t make it stop.
I tried to overanalyze it (shocker)
I tried to not think about it (yeah like that worked)
I tried to think about something else…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because it really did hurt my feelings and no matter what I tried to do…it was still lingering in my overactive mind –
But here is why I couldn’t make it stop…
Because this wound…this place that this person touched was an old wound…it was something that I can’t fix…something that their words or….unwords can fix…catch my drift?
Even if they hadn’t said or asked what they asked …I would still be hurting in that place. It’s just that this little interaction proved that it’s still a wound.
So after stewing about it for about 100hours…okay not really 100 but long enough to make me realize that it was occupying way to much of my thought process it occurred to me…
that it was okay that this hurt…even if I’m totally annoyed with myself for being so sensitive…because what it did was remind me once again that I still need the Lord to heal that place.
It’s still there.
With or without the comment or question that hurt my stupid feelings…
It’s still there.
With or without my knowing the intentions
It’s still there.
It’s a wound that goes as far back as 6th grade and as a 39 year old woman I’m still just a 12 year old girl inside sometimes…
It’s still there…because I’m human.
And God can heal it. He can. He has removed big boulders from this heavy heart over my 39 years of life. But I have found that some of these places need more than one sweep. Some of these places take chipping away…little by little because they are so very big…and they are so very heavy…
So it’s still there.
But I’m okay with it because it’s just reminds me once again that even though it’s still there and it’s still bigger than me, it’s not bigger than Him.
He’s bigger than my overactive, over thinking, over feeling mind…
Maybe you have those places too. Those places that still sting and catch you by surprise when they hurt. Those places that you thought you dealt with long ago…or that God had already healed. Those places that you ‘should’ be over. Those places that you are sick and tired of bringing to the cross over and over.
I’ve got good news for you.
being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phillipians 1:6
He wants to make us complete.
In the Greek it is translated : perfect, (a) complete in all its parts, (b) full grown, of full age, (c) specially of the completeness of Christian character.
It actually goes on to say unfolding…one stage at a time…to reach fullness of strength..
Wow. Fullness of strength. Yeah, I’ll take a full strength instead of half strength if it takes a bit of time to get there…I’ll do that.
Our idea of complete and his looks different.
Our idea of complete doesn’t take minutes…sometimes it takes years.
Our idea of complete doesn’t take one event…it takes several.
Unfolding….one step at a time…
Our idea of complete is quite different than His…it’s not just about conquering the ‘thing’ …it’s about conquering the ‘us’ that gets in the way of Him coming through.
So yeah, I’m a bit annoyed at myself that He’s not done with me in this area yet but I’m so very glad that I am not where I use to be. I am so very glad that He is a God who takes His time with the hearts of His people to ensure that their completeness looks nothing like our idea and a whole lot more like His idea…His timing..His way.
He unfolds us one step at a time …