Motherhood and music
Well, I’ve been debating on whether or not to do this for quite some time. You would think after releasing an album, writing blog posts and articles for various places I would be over the stage fright of sharing my music and/or words …but I don’t know if that fear ever really goes away. The same compulsion to create is just as strong as the fear of the audience you share it with…and yet we (artists, dancers, musicians, story tellers etc) do this because we must for to not share the way that we see how God is moving through life, trials and victories would be to hide something that was given.
After releasing my album last year I sort of took a break from writing which is usually the last thing you do but in my case I had spent years creating, recording, pushing and honestly sweating and bleeding music. I felt as though I had delivered a baby and I just wanted to melt into the music that was created and allow it to go where it would go. I did what I could with the limited time I had to help get the word out but to be honest I’m really terrible at self promoting – it makes me feel icky because that isn’t who I am but at the same time as one of my mentors said to me a long time ago “how will anyone know if you don’t talk about it?” He was right, but to be honest I would have much preferred people to telepathically know rather than put myself out there..I did what must be done within the confines of my crazy beautiful chaotic mom life. Being a mother of 4 along with some really difficult health challenges of my own and a situation with one of our kids that very much needed all of my attention kept me from continuing to move forward with my music in the way that I had hoped. I didn’t have the time to devote to it what must be given in order to share with more people. After prayer and contemplation I was very much okay with what some would look at as putting everything on hold and felt certain that the Lord wanted to give me a heart for home..an undivided heart that needed to focus on the gifts and dreams that were handed to me rather than chasing musical dreams. I believe with all my heart that this season of resting was both healing for me and our family as a unit. For once I wasn’t trying to finish a project, complete a goal or distracted by something else.
For anyone who is a creative you understand the tension that comes with this…no one wants to have a divided heart, no one wants to feel as though they are neglecting their family for what looks like earthly dreams and at the same time no one wants to feel like they are wasting gifts that could be used as a conduit to someones healing, experience with God, give hope and breathe new air into a troubled soul. This was and has always been my tension…I LOVE being a mom…I love being a wife…I love to write and sing and more than anything I just love being used to create for Gods glory. However for this past year I felt the Lord asked me to rest.
Oddly enough during this season of rest there has been much silence…and I have felt God teaching me things I likely couldn’t learn if I was still busy doing, writing, trying to be and whatnot. There were many opportunities to share, many things I had to say no to…sometimes painfully but I knew it just wasnt the time to say yes…and had to be okay with the time never being right to say yes. But rest is good. Silence is beautiful if we let it be. Saying no to good things gives us freedom to say yes to great things. He shows us things when we rest..when we stop, when we listen..and He has been showing me that I need to stop and notice. Notice my family. Notice the mundane. Notice Him moving in unusual and unexpected ways. I’m still somewhat in this place and probably always should be for when I don’t notice life as its happening I get bogged down with troubles, worries and fears that I wasn’t yet meant to carry.
…but there will always be music. Always silently waiting in the background I knew that God would begin to unfold words through me again in His timing. I knew that eventually He would show me a way that both motherhood and music could coexist. I don’t know if I will ever be in a place where I can travel sharing my music…that just may never be the road marked out for me. Being a stay at home mom is my calling, it’s my priority, my vocation and one of the greatest reasons I exist however I am a worshipper, I do write from very real and honest places and I believe the Lord gives some songs…just for me and Him and others He gives me to share. So we have YouTube. I don’t have the time or money to make amazing videos all the time but I do have a voice and a guitar and an iPhone that will capture a moment. My life is both messy and beautiful and to worship through all of those spaces up, down, over and in between is true worship. Real worship isn’t scripted, real worship is raw, unfiltered, unedited and settles the chaotic heart. So this is my youtube channel – most posts will be completely unedited, no arrangements, no direction except directly to the heart of the Father. Some songs will be originals and some will be covers but all will go where the spirit leads because I don’t want to drive the ship 🙂
I pray that as songs are posted whomever stumbles across them will not experience a perfect performance but a real experience with the Savior through my imperfections.
My channel can be found at the link below
Praying He speaks to you as you seek Him, in the silent moments, in the chaos, in the beauty and in the not so pretty. He is always worthy of our praise. He is always awaiting us to seek His face. He is always always there.