It’s okay momma..
I want to do it right..but some days I just get it wrong. Somedays I’m just to tired. Some moments I get overwhelmed. Sometimes 4 kids screaming and fighting is more than my patience can handle. Somedays I just want to crawl into that Calgon commercial. Somedays being woken up at 3:00am is to much. Somedays are taxing. Somedays my kids need me and I just can’t meet every single need..even though I want to.
I know my children better than anyone. I know when their eyes speak joy, when they speak fear and when they sheepishly hide the truth. I know when they are doing something they shouldn’t (sometimes when I am not even in the room) I sense when they are lonely and when they are content. I sense when they are in pain. I sense my children’s needs because I know them so well.
Yet, even in my intentional and attentive mothering… I still miss things..I probably miss a lot of things. There are hidden places in them just like there are hidden places in me. There are places in my own soul that I don’t fully understand, there are places that no one…not even those who love me well can satisfy and shouldn’t because were never meant to.
Although I desire to be this Wonder Woman of a momma I just can’t meet their every need. I am incapable of understanding …everything. I am incapable of seeing everything, being everywhere and I am incapable of doing everything right. I fight with this a lot internally because to be honest I want to be EVERYTHING they need. Mothers guilt is a powerful thing.
I want to hold them, cuddle them, play with them, feed them, meet every love language, scare all the monsters away, keep every trial at bay, I want to prepare them for everything…I want to make everything fair, I want to be their biggest cheerleader, I want to lift their chin up, I want to give them enough of me..even though there isn’t enough of me to go around. I want to shield them from knowing the things of this world that I know so they won’t have the fears that I have. I want to be a step ahead of every potential fracture of the heart…I want to be their everything but I can’t be…it’s to much, it’s more than I can handle, an unfair expectation and its not what has been asked of me.
What has been asked of me..is to feed them, clothe them and to love them well and to love them well means
pointing them to a love far greater, higher, deeper and wider than I can provide in this frail frame
pointing them to a love that far exceeds my ability to hold it all together
pointing them to a love that goes beyond keeping them warm, feeding them organic food, giving them toys, fun experiences and providing a great education
pointing them to the one who satisfies something that doesn’t reflect what is tangible, something I can’t see….something that enters into the hidden places…the places that can only be known by and satisfied by the owner of the soul, the giver of their life and the one who created their being. The one who feeds them a sustainable food for their soul -Jesus.
Jesus meets our expectation. Jesus meets our understanding. Jesus meets the unknown, the hidden places, the misunderstood places, the wandering places, the “I don’t know places”, the “I didn’t get it right” places. He meets their needs just as He meets mine and He cares about all of it too. I care about every thing my children go through whether it’s a cold, hurt feelings, losing a toy, a scrape on the knee…but the difference…those are just the things I know about..
but God – He knows it all. He sees it all.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me. Psalm 139:1-5
He sees. He sees me. He sees my scraped knees. He sees me act like a jerk and scream at my kids. He sees my covetous heart. He sees my discontent. He sees my fears. He sees me try. He sees me fail. He knows how far I’ve come…and how far I have to go. And my babies..
Well, He sees them too. He sees the things I can’t, fulfills the things I can’t and does that which I was never meant to – and so I let go of that too. Let go of the need to have it all together. Allow myself to be that mom that doesn’t have it all figured out and runs and points my babies to the one who does.
I’m not enough but He is. I will fail, but He won’t. So I do my best unto Him and trust Him with the rest. And on the days that I make that mistake and don’t get it right I remind myself “Run to Him. It’s okay momma…just do your best.”
It’s okay momma’s – just do your best…